Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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