At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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