Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
