Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
worst night to have a conscience
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
