we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
