I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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