Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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