from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
