wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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