You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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