I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
