I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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