even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she peed on how many people?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
