thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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