No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
