I have demons in me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
