just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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