From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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