Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
