he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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