if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
