around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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