So drunk, too bad you don't want this
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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