well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
