She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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