the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
