dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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