you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
