Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
