i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
