GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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