gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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