I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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