just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
