He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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