I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
