dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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