So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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