I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
