Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
