my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
