dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
