The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
