Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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