oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
