glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
