I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
