just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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