ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
