Sponge bath it is.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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