It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
