Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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